Category Archives: children

Paradise.

I have been working and (sometimes) running a lot recently.

I find myself working out common hormone, stress and life change ailments in the duration of a run.  Sport fascinates me. Elite athletes amaze me. I’m amazed and terribly humbled by many things daily.  I’m taking this as a suggestion that my spirit is growing and the universe sees fit to continue to drop me to my knees enough to pray and say thank you.

Some people take offense to my belief that the universe, or more specifically the creator, humbles us.  I am not bothered by that. I understand the conflict. I believe for me, as a human, it is my nature to suffer to some extent. Without this challenge I would struggle with my own sense of purpose. Believe me, I’d love it if there were not the case. But, I’m not a holy creature, God or a divine one.  I’m just an aging chick with some challenges. For now this works for me. Years ago I would have felt differently I’m sure.  Years ago I blogged about dating, my father’s alcoholism, being Indian and learning.  Those things are still important, but they are not everything.

By no means do I think or believe the creator does not love me. Nor do I believe that there is an anvil waiting for me to pass under her slippery face.

I think a lot about what I want my son to know about me, to see, to believe.  I want him to learn kindness, courage, when to be brave,patience, and ways to practice kindness.  I feel like the world I live in has much kindness but could use more.  I see reactionary behaviors everyday, people making excuses for shit behavior. I have to walk away sometimes, I’m not a fucking saint. But, the collective hurt, it hurts me. I don’t know understand it. I suppose now is not the time to ponder this, but I’m sharing as an observation.

Anyhow, I digress, I just thought I’d share & say I’m still here, growing, changing, laughing. 

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Breakfast

Me: “Kale what do you want for breakfast? Eggs? Waffles?”

Kale: “waffles! Cook them in the dryer mommy.”

That’s how we roll.

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On having a son.

I was getting ready for work this morning, running around like a mad woman when Kale excitedly says, “I found the sword of Omens!”

I turn to admire the sword and laugh. It was a tampon.

Balance

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I love when I stumble upon a clean, honest & inspiring blog. The posts about balance are especially well explained.

Kale is 2 and a half, balancing my desires to be a good mother & have a career that is fulfilling & provides for our family isn’t easy.

There are days I envy stay at home mothers and romanticize all the things they get to do & see. Days I wish I had chosen a less demanding career & when frustrated second guessed my ability to do all things well. Some days I don’t feel that I’ve gotten everything I wanted accomplished. Some days I feel other people want too much & offer very little in return.

Fortunately, that’s not the case most days. I’m blessed with quality time with my son & rejoice in his laughter & cherish the chalk drawing, Iron-man-pretending moments that fade like water on a farm.

I won’t even go into balancing a marriage, my husband is often the last person in our family who gets what he wants. He’s the most patient & always the first to step up when the chips are down. Without him, none of it would work.

Insert awesome paragraph about how it takes a village to raise a child & in that village you will find our families & our friends.

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Energy

Feeling run down, went to doctor yesterday & she said I’m fighting some viral thing. I can’t say I’m surprised with all the driving, work & travel recently. So I took a couple of days off & am zoning out with bad tv, naps & playing pocket legends.

Kale has been super cute & his vocabulary is exploding. What an awesome little blessing he is in my life. Now if I could get some buy in from him about potty training we’d be golden.

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Joy.

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We had a great and quick vacation. Visiting the reservation is always busy and bittersweet. I miss the food, sights, smells & the language.
It was good to meet my niece & spend time with my family. Kale seemed to enjoy having playmates & ran himself to bed each night. We caught up on bootleg movies & ate enough grease to kill a mule.
Driving back to Kansas I realized how much I miss the mountains & the closeness of the sky. Western Kansas is a less occupied than the reservation or Phoenix. I didn’t know I’d miss the bustle of traffic & also enjoy the fields & the bird sounds of the plains. It’s such a strange thing to love so many places & miss (and appreciate) so much. I don’t know how long we’ll be here, but I believe we are learning a lot.

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Navajo chant

Found this chant in an old book that I’d like to print & read to Kale:

I see the earth.
I am looking at her and smile because she makes me happy.
The earth, looking back at me is smiling too.
May I walk happily & lightly upon her.

What a great few weeks, I have a new niece & my nephew Braylon turns one today.

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PhotoGrid

Please check out my photo.  Check out this application:  https://market.android.com/details?id=com.roidapp.photogrid  Sent from my Android.

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Thinking about home.

Fun fact:  Indian tribes control 3 percent of the total national oil and gas reserves and 7 to 13 percent of the US coal deposits. We also control extensive amounts of the uranium deposits and fishing rights in Washington and Oregon.

I’m reviewing Silko’s Yellow Woman and a Beauty of the Spirit.  It’s harder to read about injustice as a young adult.  When I was in college I had so much teen angst and personal confusion about that world that learning about it didn’t inspire much more than simple  furious contempt.  These days with a young son and a family I worry about Indians.  I worry about our “rights” and how long we’ll have them.  I worry about social issues.  I worry about our high rates of suicide, alcoholism and diabetes.

I’ve begun to appreciate the small and powerful group of Natives who actively protest injustices; I sing silence praises for their ability to speak up and put themselves out there to make our causes known.  I say our because I believe we are all connected.  My tribal rights are connected to the rights of other tribes.  There’s a nasty domino effect that could happen if congress is feeling especially testy or greedy.

As a child I was outspoken and curious.  My parents teased that I’d be an “AIM Indian.”  I didn’t know what that meant but their tone insinuated it was something terrible, it was akin to marrying outside the tribe or being thrown in the drunk tank.  I’ve never been thrown in the drunk tank, or any tank for that matter.  And I’m not an AIM Indian, I may never be one.  But there are days I seriously consider taking up a cause.  After all, if I don’t speak up-who will?  Who’s going to make things better for Kale? Who’s going to advocate for better (and local) mental health services for Indian nations?

April winds.

Iron Man in his Bleeding Edge armor. Cover art...

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It’s been windy the last few days.  So windy that I’ve thought a few times that I would just blow away.  (I haven’t.)

We’ve been getting along well.  I’ve been sick this week and am thankful that today is my last day of a z-pack. Work is going well, the drive is tiresome but I’m hoping it gets easier as times goes along.  I still don’t know if I’ll get to do some work locally.  I try not to think about it and just takes things day by day.  Kale is growing so much. He’s such a big boy most days.  He runs around, tells me silly stories about Iron Man and Wolverine and jumps. He’s so vibrant, charming and funny-he amazes me.

Of course as soon as I opened up this post, he woke up from a nap.  🙂 Sometimes we’re lucky and the days of full of great things.