When digging, you could find a worm.

 I had some ideas stirring around this evening & thought I’d share.  However, whilst rooting around for my password I was sucked into a virtual head spin of old email.  I read a few from 2005-2007.  I read some email about a botched trip to Vegas (paid for the ticket, never went), email about breaking up with Super J, email about starting a WordPress blog (ha!), email about accepting an offer to start graduate school at ASU, flirty and overly enthusiastic email (on both sides) from a nice but excessively-shy- in-real-life fellow I met on Eharmony & let’s be friends email from my musician ex-boyfriend using the term,”internal fairness doctrine” to explain the reason he let me walk out of his life.  Lesson: there is some magical design in the universe.

The irony in the threads of email are as follows: I write very capably and seem to possess some heightened sense of direction. 

I have an unwavering belief that I will in fact find someone to love that will undoubtably love the hell out of me.

I spilled my guts out to my friends and often signed the emails with love.  Now that I haven’t seen or heard from those people in years, I wonder what kind of love that was?  I love you like I love clean sheets-but when things get too dirty I throw your ass out kind of love?  I don’t think I really understood love at that time.  The analogy back-seat-driver comes to mind. 

Another irony:  reading the threads I began to wish I could have a real-time (though magical in many aspects) chat with myself.  I mean was I really that sure?  There seemed to be a high essence of faith (for lack of a better word/term), how did I manage that?  I didn’t believe in God then and I would have publicly denounced all faith just to prove I wasn’t “one of them.”  Was it arrogance?

These days one of the only certainties I have is that I don’t know what the hell is going to happen.  I just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. That being said, my toddler just woke up.


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