I had some ideas stirring around this evening & thought I’d share. However, whilst rooting around for my password I was sucked into a virtual head spin of old email. I read a few from 2005-2007. I read some email about a botched trip to Vegas (paid for the ticket, never went), email about breaking up with Super J, email about starting a WordPress blog (ha!), email about accepting an offer to start graduate school at ASU, flirty and overly enthusiastic email (on both sides) from a nice but excessively-shy- in-real-life fellow I met on Eharmony & let’s be friends email from my musician ex-boyfriend using the term,”internal fairness doctrine” to explain the reason he let me walk out of his life. Lesson: there is some magical design in the universe.
The irony in the threads of email are as follows: I write very capably and seem to possess some heightened sense of direction.
I have an unwavering belief that I will in fact find someone to love that will undoubtably love the hell out of me.
I spilled my guts out to my friends and often signed the emails with love. Now that I haven’t seen or heard from those people in years, I wonder what kind of love that was? I love you like I love clean sheets-but when things get too dirty I throw your ass out kind of love? I don’t think I really understood love at that time. The analogy back-seat-driver comes to mind.
Another irony: reading the threads I began to wish I could have a real-time (though magical in many aspects) chat with myself. I mean was I really that sure? There seemed to be a high essence of faith (for lack of a better word/term), how did I manage that? I didn’t believe in God then and I would have publicly denounced all faith just to prove I wasn’t “one of them.” Was it arrogance?
These days one of the only certainties I have is that I don’t know what the hell is going to happen. I just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. That being said, my toddler just woke up.