This morning leaving for work I spilled a cooler full of water all over my freshly laundered (and pressed ) dress pants. It felt like an oh shit moment. But, I wouldn’t let that get me down. That was too easy of an incident to blame and think it had ruined the day. I mopped the floor, I changed into another pair of dress pants. I wiped down my shoes & I went to work.
I’m trying not to let the little things push me down. I don’t think I’ve even been a depressant, but sometimes, sometimes I want to stay home and eat a bag of Doritos, close the blinds and sleep on the sofa.
Last week I spend most of my days at the ER. I should qualify that I was at the Indian Hospital and not a regular ER. They drove me in circles doing tests, iv’ing me and telling me that I couldn’t go back to work. I managed it all with semi-grace. But, this week, I’m a bit angry. I don’t feel like we made much progress. They ran me ragged and I don’t feel like I got anything but some missed work and a couple of itchy naps.
I hate what my diagnosis has done to me. I hate that some nights I sleep with tension in my chest because parts of dinner/snack hasn’t made it to my actual stomach. I’m trying to read less about it online, but that ends poorly & I find that I’m binge reading and googling things like “failed heller myotomy” and reading about esophageal removals and the side effects.
Every day I have to mindfully remind myself that it’s just today and that’s all I have. I need to make the best of it.
I’ve also started to wonder if maybe it wasn’t coincidence that I ended up with degrees in psychology, my mind is only thing I really feel I have any “control” of these days.
Maybe it’s time for some therapy. But really, I don’t even want to hear myself talking about this. I don’t want to talk about the fear I have of losing too much weight or of my fucking esophagus closing up again and feeling like a slab of meat they pinch, prob and poke while I sit there thinking, “please make it work, please make it work..”
And to think, I was planning on writing about something else today.
Note: this was prompted because it’s lunch time and I’m having trouble holding down my tea from this morning. Looks like I won’t be daring lunch today.