Talking myself down.

This morning leaving for work I spilled a cooler full of water all over my freshly laundered (and pressed ) dress pants.  It felt like an oh shit moment.  But, I wouldn’t let that get me down.  That was too easy of an incident to blame  and think it had ruined the day.  I mopped the floor, I changed into another pair of dress pants.  I wiped down my shoes & I went to work.

I’m trying not to let the little things push me down.  I don’t think I’ve even been a depressant, but sometimes, sometimes I want to stay home and eat a bag of Doritos, close the blinds and sleep on the sofa.

Last week I spend most of my days at the ER.  I should qualify that I was at the Indian Hospital and not a regular ER.  They drove me in circles doing tests, iv’ing me and telling me that I couldn’t go back to work.  I managed it all with semi-grace.  But, this week, I’m a bit angry.  I don’t feel like we made much progress.  They ran me ragged and I don’t feel like I got anything but some missed work and a couple of itchy naps.

I hate what my diagnosis has done to me.  I hate that some nights I sleep with tension in my chest because parts of dinner/snack hasn’t made it to my actual stomach.  I’m trying to read less about it online, but that ends poorly & I find that  I’m binge reading and googling things like “failed heller myotomy” and reading about esophageal removals and the side effects.

Every day I have to mindfully remind myself that it’s just today and that’s all I have.  I need to make the best of it.

I’ve also started to wonder if maybe it wasn’t coincidence that I ended up with degrees in psychology, my mind is only thing I really feel I have any “control” of these days.

Maybe it’s time for some therapy.  But really, I don’t even want to hear myself talking about this.  I don’t want to talk about the fear I have of losing too much weight or of my fucking esophagus closing up again and feeling like a slab of meat they pinch, prob and poke while I sit there thinking, “please make it work, please make it work..”

And to think, I was planning on writing about something else today. 

Note: this was prompted because it’s lunch time and I’m having trouble holding down my tea from this morning.  Looks like I won’t be daring lunch today.

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One thought on “Talking myself down.

  1. AngelaA says:

    Nice works!…

    Find an interesting blog great luck,with your pleasure added to favorites.The author thanks.

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