“I promise you..I promise you, I will.”

I’ve been thinking about my spirituality.  I’ve also been reading a variety of books including some books on Buddism.  I think they’ve got some things right on.  I believe in suffering. (I don’t like it, but it’s real, it’s predictable, it happens.) Note: my favorite term so far is spiritual materialism.  I get the ego bit.  As for the materialism and religion-I don’t know that I’ve ever done it, I’ve never really been a “God will save me and move me into a mansion” sort. 

Frankly, saved isn’t something I that comes up in my internal list of adjectives.  Although, I will admit to spending one afternoon on a rock with a clown (no joke) at a Christian summer camp terribly faking my way through accepting the sweet Baby Jesus into my heart and soul.  But, we came to a stale mate.  I was trying to major in bullshit and the clown was trying to earn another merit badge for converting a heathen.  It’s not that I don’t believe in God.  I’ve had this conversation a million and two times in my life, I just don’t believe so much in that God.  And there’s nothing wrong with that God.  That God sounds cool, he protects children, the poor people & he promises eternal life.

But frankly I still think some of that sounds like horse shit.  I felt more connected to the universe gathering corn pollen with my father and taking walks talking about God with my grandmother than I ever did sitting in church. 

However, I feel a need for growth in my spirituality and I don’t know if that’s happening.  Somedays I don’t know if I’m a better human being than I was yesterday and that bothers me.  I want to be a better human being.  Maybe it’s the wanting that’s holding me up.  After all, we get what we get-right?  (Quick, who said that?)


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