so easy, loving you.

Unfiltered thoughts:

I’m back at work.  I can honestly say that I’m very happy to be back at work.  Yes, I miss my child.  I sometimes miss him desperately and my eyes well up with tears and I feel an ache because I miss touching, smelling, hearing him and before I can crumble I’m distracted by a client, a phone call or some other work task.  It’s strange having a schedule and having time for things like lunch. 

 

Life with a newborn/infant can be chaotic.  There were times when I’d hold off going to the bathroom because the kid had just fallen asleep after trying for what seemed like hours and the slightest movement immediately woke hime and the crying began again.  There were other times when I didn’t want to put him down, holding him all day nestled up against me felt, right.  It’s hard to explain but I don’t regret a moment of it.  Having 10 weeks off to spend with my son felt like the biggest most eventful gift I’ve ever been given.

 

Which is why, right now, I should be working.  My boss has been very supportive.  I can’t begin to detail the little things he has done to help us and ensure things were ok and the transition back was as painless as possible.  My co-workers have also pitched in all along the way to accommodate a tired pregnant and now postpartum woman.  The nerds even got me a dozen roses my first day back to work.  I never thought I’d enjoy being at work as much as I do here.  It makes being apart from Kale that much easier to stomach. 

 

Frankly,when I’m really honest, I don’t know that I could be happy as a stay at home mother.  I admire women who can do it.  It’s a task unlike any other with massive amounts of joy and it feels rewarding, but I missed being around other adults.  I missed conversations.  I even missed my clients.

 

I’ve wondered off and on the last few days if things would be different if I had family nearby or friends that lived closer or had children closer in age to Kale-but it doesn’t really matter-I don’t.  There’s also the matter of basic economics, we need the income to continue living in Arizona.  I make more money working than I do staying home with Kale.  It’s both scary and sad sometimes when I think about the dollar aspect.  I think if that was the sole reason, we’d find a way to make it work.  However, I don’t think I’d be happy being a full time care taker.  It doesn’t resonate with me as much as working does & I don’t feel as guilty as I thought I would.  I think the only reason I feel compelled to explain myself is because I was raised to believe I was supposed to stay home.  Navajo women are notorious home makers.  I’m not including my mother in that bracket because she was always content to run when things got difficult.  However, I’ve never really been typical and I know plenty of working mothers who say without guilt or pain-I’m better off working to support my family and my family is just fine. 

 

I think being a happy, healthy productive person makes me a better mother.  Years from now, I’ll ask Kale and see what he has to say about it. 

 

  • Baby mix up @ hospital.
  • I’m still addicted to Desperate Housewives.  I have no qualms about sitting my butt in front of the tv for hours on end, I’m mid-way through season three.
  • I have yet to exercise.  I talk about it frequently, but it hasn’t happened. 
  • Kale is growing so profoundly I don’t even know where to start.  He had his first round of immunizations last week before I went back to work.  He held me personally responsible for his pain and scratched me.  I’ve never seen him so upset and irritable.  It made me grateful to know I have a normally calm and content baby.
  • He still has gas and is most upset in the evenings.
  • He likes the sound of water running, aside from being carried/rocked it’s the thing that most rapidly soothes him.
  • He understands humor and intonation quite well.  He’s a total ham and is especially talkative and cuddling in the morning between 6 and 9am.
  • Kale acts differently with his father than he does with me, I find it very interesting.
  • When I go out in public with him, I think people think I stole a little white kid.  (Or that I’m the nanny.) I’ve gotten lots of comments and questions about him.  Now just say, “yes, he looks more like his father right now.”  I’ve started to root for his eyes to turn brown so he’ll at least have that in common with me.  I suspect he’ll get more tan as he grows up.  Michael and I joke and call him our little White Devil.
  • He’s a very strong kid.  It’ll be interesting to try to change his diaper when he’s bigger and stronger, I suspect I’ll have to tie him to the changing pad. (Ok, maybe not..)
  • Kale is 9 weeks going on 10 weeks old.
  • Kale likes Michael’s music more than he likes mine. (traitor!)
  • I bought some new shirts and summer skirts that fit.
  • I have mom boobs.  Mothers-why did you not tell me this would happen?

Other random things:

  • We rented Animal Crossing, I think I might also be addicted to that.  Very simple uncomplicated and cute game-definitely child friendly.
  • I’m also addicted to Dr Pepper.
  • And IHOP. 
  • And McDonald’s double cheeseburgers & sweet tea (no, I’m not pregnant).

 

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