falling towards, a shift.

Things look different from here-have you ever had that happen to you? You realize one day that everything, everything is different.  I know, this is going to sound really stupid, but having a child is a life changing identity altering thing.  Nothing looks the same. The things I attend to now, the things I notice, my priorities, the way I see life-it’s very different.

I notice kids everywhere.  I’m very sensitive to small children being mistreated.  Michael has taken to scanning ahead and redirecting me because I’ve nearly been in tears or thought of throwing rocks at people.  I’m especially sensitive to: people yelling/verbal aggression directed at children, children not being watched, babies been feed in carriers with bottles propped up with blankets, children being ignored, children who are very dirty and generally look neglected.  That last one is pretty silly, kids are dirty.  My kid is sometimes dirty.  I can bathe him and comb his hair and two minutes later he pees all over his onesie, his blankets, spits up and drools milk all over himself and I.

Before this, I used to be nit picky about more inane and randomly stupid things.  Like flaky nail polish, it was one of my biggest pet peeves-women who let the nail polish flake and fall off their fingers and toes.  I always wondered who the hell did that and didn’t have the three minutes to wipe it off.  Me, I’ve recently sported some flaky nail polish because I didn’t really care.  For Valentine’s day I got a pedicure, thank goodness, my feet looked like I had been running on concrete barefoot.

Speaking of the body, my body is very different.  I weigh the same as I did pre-baby, but nothing feels the same.  I have this bitty sack where my kid used to live.  I now sport an Indian ass-flat and long, hell, I’m not afraid to say it, it looks bad.  My face is doing some weird hormonal vomiting, I have acne patches and my cheeks are still dry and look/feel rashy.  My hair is softer than it used to be, so I’m happy about that.  My skin is dry, I feel like a rock lizard.  My feet are also dry and they’re slightly bigger than they used to be.  I’m terrified I’ll have to buy new shoes and get rid of some that I love.  I have stretch marks and incision sites all over my abdomen.  The abdominal rash (it appears I’m also allergic to surgical tape) is finally clearing up, but I still have suck marks where they put the little panels to monitor my vitals.  The verdict is in: there will no bikinis for me this summer; at least not without some exercise and some tanning.  And after all this, I really like my body.  I’m proud of it.  I’m happy that it’s rebounding and that it went through all it’s been through in the last two months and it still gets me around and allows me to care for my child.

I can’t wait until I’m running/yoga ready though.  I’m definately in need of good exercise and a sweat fest. 

Speaking of feeling grateful, I’m still very grateful that my particular medical issue was identified and that I had the means to treat it.  Life is much better now that I’m off the pain meds and seeing how restricted I was (and never knew it) and how much more I can enjoy eating.  I see the surgeon Tuesday, so hopefully he’ll give me a better time table about when I can begin to introduce fresh vegetables, chips, steak and other drier/denser foods.  It may be a while because the site has to heal, but even the things I’m able to eat now make me happy.  Spaghetti tastes much better when it hasn’t been thrown in a blender.  Now if I’m up with Kale in the morning I can have a bowl of cereal or make some eggs and hashbrowns v. being confined to malt o’ meal.  

Other random notes:

  • Today we went to the library, I heart the library.  
  • I also love Costco.
  • And pancakes.
  • And Edie Brikell.
  • I love it when Kale smiles and it appears to be directed at a person v. in general.
  • I’m fond of Crocs, call them garden shoes, I don’t care.
  • I love the Boppy.
  • I love my family.
  • I just learned what fan boy means, I like the term, a lot.
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