hodge podge and so on.

 

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.-ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

The days have been blending together & flashing by in rapid pace. I can’t believe that Kale is already 6 weeks old today. It seems like only recently I was pregnant, working and thinking about what maternity leave would be like.  I hadn’t anticipated that it would turn into maternity/medical leave and that I’d be home weaning myself off narcotic pain medication & feeling overly emotional about just about everything.

Tonight I asked Michael if we could go out to eat, I just wanted to get out of the house.  I like Oregano’s, so I suggested we go there.  It wasn’t a very pleasant experience, it was packed and we ended up waiting next to a cluster of very young, very loud and obnoxious young women with no volume control.  We eventually got take out and after getting a table we left.

Today was a leisurely but consuming day.  Kale was fussy today & wanted to be held.  I joke that I’m becoming th one armed wonder because I can usually hold him and do what I need to do with my other hand.  However today, I was tired and didn’t do much, I loaded some dvd’s in and we rocked on the recliner in the bedroom most of the day.  I didn’t shower until almost 3pm & only got up to eat, walk with Kale when he was uncomfortable or hot and to make a fast break to the bathroom before the kid caught on that he was in his boppy or bed v. on my chest/in my arms. 

Today was the first day I felt comfortable with him being so close as most of my incisions have healed and I’m on a low dose of narcotics and felt I could manage caring for him on my own.  I suspect he missed our cuddle time and his gassiness was the perfect excuse for him to cling like a kangaroo to my shirt.  

Today sitting with Kale I thought a lot about some recent experiences:

 

  • My parents were here to visit; I don’t like them very much. They showed up Saturday. They were here to go to court for my father who claimed he was arrested for mistaken identity but did admit to having three warrants for driving on a suspended license.  They sprung into action when they realized I just had surgery and was struggling to acclimate to the pain and limited ability to care for the kid/myself and my inability to drive, etc.. I asked them stay late on Monday to help us/me and take me to my doctor’s appointment, they agreed and seemed very concerned.  It felt like a strange dream to have them helping me.  Just as I was reconsidering how I feel about them, they packed up and ran.  Despite them not having jobs or any appointments until tomorrow, they had to leave Monday morning before my appointment.  They went to court and the charges got dropped, but they called me and lied to me about what was happening and tried to keep our apartment key.  I realized after a couple of hours that they were lying and trying to skip town and I asked them to come back to the apartment and drop the key off.  I called Michael and he had to come home and help me watch Kale and take me to my appointment.  They came back right after he got home.  They told him to call if we “needed anything.” My dad offered to leave my mom to help me, without skipping a beat she said that she couldn’t stay and had things to do such as helping him with his court issues.  She didn’t say goodbye to me.  I didn’t think someone who broke your heart before could break it again when you didn’t think you cared what they did.  
  • She has called about three times in the last couple of days and left long voicemail messages about how “concerned” she is that I am ok & asked about my appointments and the baby. 
  • It seems reasonable that I not talk to her because I don’t have anything nice to say to her.  She’s never been very good about supporting me or sticking by me. 
  • I don’t want my parents to spend any time with my kid.  They make me miserable, they take advantage of me and they inflate me only to push me off the nearest emotional ledge.  I don’t want to take the bait anymore.  Reading this it seems simple and somewhat petty, but there’s a long history here that can not be undone.  I’ve forgiven my parents for what they did in the past, but I’m holding them accountable for their actions now and taking preventative measures to avoid my son being hurt, abandoned or abused by their inability to stick to anything. And, let’s face it, I’m tired of being the mature one in the equation.  I shouldn’t have to worry about them and and their drama.  I want big events to be positive, when I had Kale my mom was more worried about my dad who was in jail and my family cleaned out our house.  We don’t need to be defending ourselves from people who are supposed to care about us.  
  • I have a head ache thinking about this and the things that happened with my friends over the weekend. I think once I’ve had some time to get better, things will feel less emotional and I’ll feel better about things.
  • I have a meeting tomorrow that I’m hoping goes well, it could mean less stress for our Saunders-BC family.
  • I have more doctor’s appointments, but the incisions are healing nicely and the rash is going away.
  • The percocet still sucks, but I’m down to 1/2 a pill every 4-6 hours and tomorrow I’m going to try tylenol and stop the damn narcotic.
  • I’m still watching trashy tv like nobodys business.
  • My goofy boss gave me the least amount of productivity award for last month at our staff meeting, I wasn’t there or I’d have asked if I could submit Kale’s dirty diapers in lieu of productivity hours.  
  • I feel pretty unattractive.  My maternity clothes are too big, but my regular clothes are a little snug and my abdomen is still swollen from the surgery.  To boot, I still have a rash on my face.  I’ve started to care more than I want to.  
  • I realized that I don’t know any lullibies and instead make up songs to sing to Kale.  I also have very adult conversations with him about everything from the sorts of things I don’t want to see him doing, the Navajo Nation, his father and anything else that crosses my mind.
  • Today he smiled big gummy smiles at me and it melted my heart for the 900th time.
  • I’m still happy about eating.  Food have never been so exciting!
  • Adam Levine is still my pick for imaginary husbandry.
  • I got very jealous today when Michael said his ex-wife was beautiful in their engagement photo, I considered throwing rocks at him. I still think she is one of the ugliest women I’ve seen, I think it’s evil to think that way, but it keeps me from thinking that he ever loved anyone with the magnitude that I love him.  It’s very unmature to think such things.  I’m generally ok with that.
  • I so will not be able to wear a bikini this year, makes me glad I finally did last year after thinking it was stupid for years before.

 

 

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