I have surgery tomorrow. I’m feeling pretty pensive about it right now.
I keep thinking that it would be great to wake up one morning and realize that this was all a bad dream and that I could go to the fridge, make some eggs and resume with business as usual. However, nothing the last two months has been normal.
Kale has been fussy the last two days. I’m still hoping this new formula will help him and that he feels better. Miracles all around for this family would be nice.
I’m worried about leaving Michael home tomorrow and the day after with him. It’s a lot of work dealing with a crying baby who wakes up every 45 minutes with gas attacks. I wish there was some way to jump start his little system that didn’t involve so much distress. However, he is a healthy kid and is gaining weight and is still pretty happy, so we know at some point this will clear up. I’m not even going to talk about the guilt involved because I can’t breast feed.
I’m not looking forward to the damn hospital. Fortunately before all this happened I hadn’t had much experience with hospital stays, I feel bad for people who have to spend significant time there. Hospitals are lonely places, even when people come to visit. When I was there last time all I could think about was going home to my life and all the things I love. In no particular order the things I missed were: my sheets, my family, the fridge, our shower, my clothes, the smell of home.
On the bright side, the surgery is supposed to have a quick recovery time and I’m supposed to be able to go home Thursday. Most important of all-it will enable me to eventually resume a semi-normal diet (starting with soft foods and eventually moving onto solids) which alone will give me more time and reduce the stress in our household. I still haven’t been keen on blending my meals and I’ve probably eaten my weight in pudding, jello and fake cheese. It will also give us some variety in our diet. We’ve been eating the same things for the last month.
Also on the bright side, my veins have recovered from last time and I’m feeling pretty hearty, whereas before I was pretty well beat down physically. The last hospital stay also desensitized me to needle sticks, so I’m not dreading that piece of what’s going to happen tomorrow. I’ll also gladly take drugs post surgery since I know they won’t send me home tomorrow night, maybe I’ll get lucky and snooze my way through it until they discharge me Thursday.
Regardless, it’s something that needs to happen and as much as I’ll miss Kale and Michael, it’s only one night and I’m a better human being when I’m healthy.