top chef is like, cool.

Today was a difficult day for me.  As much as I adore my son, I had a hard time getting through the day.  I was tired.  He wanted to be held and he cried incessantly whenever I moved or tried to put him down.  After holding him most of the afternoon my arm got tired.  I was hungry and had to pee, but every time I put him down, he let me know that wasn’t where he wanted to be.  Multiple times he soaked his clothes when I put him down, so after taking care of myself I had to change him, change his clothes and whatever bedding he soaked. It wondered for a moment if I was trapped in my version of Ground Hog Day.

After some time, I decided we’d just hang out and I wouldn’t try to get anything else done, but focus on him and be content with the moment.  However, by mid afternoon he was sound asleep on my chest and I was bored.  I wanted someone to talk to.  I’m a bit more extroverted than I thought and found myself missing adult conversation and missing the sense of accomplishment that accompanies coming home from work.  Work is measurable.  Parenting is different, it’s very fluid.  I know that what I’m doing is important however, I wasn’t prepared for the loneliness.  I think if I had family or more friends with children I’d feel less like I was on uncharted territory & living on baby island.  

I knew at some point I’d feel both overwhelmed and misdirected, I didn’t anticipate how much it would affect me.  By the time 5:30pm rolled around, I was ready for Michael to be home.  I was ready for some company and someone to share the responsibilities with.  When 5:40pm came around, Kale was crying and I couldn’t get him to stop.  By the time Michael walked in the door, I was ready for a break.  I took a shower and strangely felt like crying.

Evidently, I have more to learn.  

Other: I have been thinking a lot about babies who don’t have their mothers and who don’t get as much attention or care.  It makes me sad. I’ve considered volunteering at the crisis nursery, but right now I want to spend as much time with Kale as I can.

 

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