it ain’t easy.

Lots of things have been happening lately, many require much more attention, but I’m too tired to list them all right now.

The baby shower was awesome, lots of good friends & I’m glad I was able to go.  Of course we scored some super cute things for the baby.  More on that later.

I’m still not holding down solids. When I feel good, I get adventurous, but things tend to make their way back up.  Liquids are faring better, thank goodness because I don’t want to check myself into the IHS.  I was banana packed twice last week and I’ve been racked with guilt about what this is/could be doing to the fetus.  I think I’ve lost between 7-10lbs.  People keep telling me that the baby is fine and my doc doesn’t seem worried, but I am.

Today I finally called and asked for an apmt with him, I’m tired of the dialogue with the med assistant/receptionist and being told to try another medication for “a couple of days” to see if that helps.  I haven’t had an actual meal in 1.5 weeks.  I can’t hold more than applesauce/popsicles down.  I feel drunk/drowsy & yet people keep telling me I’m ok.

Michael gives me a high five whenever I manage not to throw up.; I feel like I’m a part of some weird experiment  I know he’s being supportive, but it’s not helping my cause.

So, today, I’m hoping to not hear, “give it a few more days.”  I don’t trust anyone who thinks some mild starvation is ok.  Even if the kid is ok, I’m not.  I’ve been trying to work and it’s been really silly.  Much as I love my job, it’s not my priority right now.

Last night I booked myself a massage.  I figured if I can’t eat, at least I can try to do something to take care of myself.  I can’t say what I liked, because well-I fell asleep.  For all I know she rubbed my back, I snoozed off and she came back in an hour later and told me it was time.  Either way, it felt helpful. 

Wish us luck at our apmt. Hopefully we get a new plan or some confidence that I’m not going to blow away with the next gust of heavy wind.

Also: at some point I want to blog about the weird things I’ve been doing and thinking of doing that can only spell dehydration induced semi psychosis.

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