he cooks, I write.

Michael is making us dinner.  He’s making his famous rice, chicken and broccoli dinner.  I don’t know what to call it, but good. 

Random:  I still think being pregnant makes me dream more vividly.  Some websites seem to verify that, others say really generic things about sleep and pregnancy.  If I had more energy I’d dig up some articles and see what the actual research says, but then I wonder if people think to study pregnant women and dreams.

My dreams are very random, choatic and sometimes very morbid.  A few nights ago I dreamt about some virus that infected everyone and turned them bloody thirsty, a sort of spin on the Resident Evil series, except I don’t know that it was a virus, or just strange group think behavior.  What scared me was that it was on the reservation and had impacted the men and the dogs the most.  Imagine a world filled with clusters of men who want nothing more than to torture, kill and eat one another and packs of dogs hoping someone comes outside alone.  Very disturbing.  I blame the latest Patricia Cornwell book and too much thoughts about the reservation.

I’m sure there are multiple unconcious processes happening, for now, I’m going to ignore those. 

I’ve also had random dreams about people from the past, old teachers, old friends, people I played sports with in high school, ex-boyfriends staring at my pregnant belly and asking if I remember them and me lying: no, get away from me. 

One dream was probably triggered by my college bf’s ex-fiancee adding me on myspace.  I added her for a week and deleted her today, I figured that was enough time for her to get the scoop on me & that was plenty of time for me to look at her profile, stare at her photos and exclaim: she’s very young, she’s cute but wears too much make-up (I used to be that way too, then I realized people don’t care about your make-up) and lastly-his mother was wrong when she said all those mean things to me when I left him. 

I don’t wish him any ill will.  We were both very nieve and I’m sure I did things to hurt him too.  He sent me a message a week ago and I told him about the baby, about our engagement and how I loved my job.  I haven’t heard anything back from him.  What can you say to that?  When he asked he how I was doing, I wonder what he was expecting?  I’ve never been able to be friends with any of my ex’s.  Some people can do it, I’ve never been able to.

Old relationships are tricky, especially mine.  One thing I want my son to know is that treating women poorly never pans out.  If the women are smart, they move on and they go on to live life-ie..they find happiness without you.  As a man you can’t tell a woman: I’m the best you’ll ever get (like you’re a pair of shoes!) and be confused when she doesn’t respect you in the same manner 8 years later.  As a woman, I’ve had enough good and poor behavior modeled for me to know this much:  I’d like to not criticize whoever my son loves whether it works out or not.  I want him to choose and have life experiences on his own.  I hope that my upbringing will teach him enough to know what sorts of people (in general) to avoid and which to keep close.  But, he’s going to decide, not me.  Secondly, I don’t want to have any notions about what sort of person he may love.  Lastly, I want to avoid at all costs trying to change him or that person to conform to my ideas, beliefs or traditions.  I once had someone try to “cure” me of my Indianess, the last thing I want to do is oppress someone else, much less someone that my child loves.

But, I have some time to think about this.  I doubt our little Cheeto will start dating right out of the womb. 

 

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One thought on “he cooks, I write.

  1. Danna says:

    He better not. I don’t want to have to put him in an all male daycare. 🙂

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